The Baby Bullet

All of you chauvinistic, arrogant, macho men who smugly assume that baby showers are just a bunch of silly women chirping about nonsense will be pleased to find your prejudices confirmed in The Baby Bullet, an infomercial for a baby food processor that is “the newest arrival to the Magic Bullet family” of products.

If the Bullet Express was the Return of the Jedi of the Magic Bullet infomercial series, then the Baby Bullet would be more like Revenge of the Nerds 4—or maybe some straight-to-video release with Alan Smithee credited as the director. The setting for this infomercial is a baby shower in which Lindsay, sister of the mother-to-be, has scrapped the customary games and activities and—in the best tradition of the Magic Bullet infomercials—has decided to foist a lengthy product demo on the guests instead. Surprisingly, the expectant mother is not Hazel, knocked up after her wilderness rendezvous with Berman on the Magic Bullet To Go infomercial. In fact, none of the characters from the previous Magic Bullet infomercials appear here except for Mick, who has a brief cameo as a deliveryman. Nonetheless, the characters here share many traits in common with their predecessors in the previous infomercials, such as drunkenness, bitchiness, cluelessness and hen-peckedness.

The Baby Bullet Invites You to the Baby Shower from Hell!

The way Lindsay delivers her lines might remind you of some spokesmodel contestant on the old Star Search program—one who came in a distant second and was never heard from again. Lindsay gives emphasis to pretty much every single thing she says, as if all the words that come out of her mouth are italicized. (“This. is. the. perfect. pea. purée.“)

Joining Lindsay and her pregnant sister, Jenny, at this baby shower are several guests and relatives, the most colorful of which is “Grandma.” Combining the intoxication of Berman, the obnoxiousness of the granny in the Bullet Express infomercial, and the general barfly sleaziness of Hazel, Grandma always has a glass of scotch in her hand and makes everyone uncomfortable by blurting out inappropriate exclamations, most of them related to alcohol. Lindsay’s question, “You remember the Magic Bullet, right?” prompts Grandma to scream, “All right! Magic Bullet margaritas!” As soon as Lindsay breaks out the “baby blend storage cups,” Grandma asks eagerly, “Are we doing shots?” When deliveryman Mick carries the Baby Bullet box into the house, Grandma loudly comments, “Nice package!” before laughing at her own quip like a mental patient in the late stages of psychosis. (This comment marks the first ever allusion to male genitals in the entire Magic Bullet series, although we will have to wait for the next infomercial to find out if Grandma and Mick’s flirtation ever leads to them copulating in some semi-public locale.)

Also present is Lindsay’s mom, who makes several critical and skeptical comments that cause Lindsay to roll her eyes in exasperation while saying things like “No, Mom!”, “I know, Mom!”, and “Well, Mom…” Lindsay probably should not get so annoyed at the sniping of her mother, who at least seems to be half-way sober during most of the baby shower.

The other relative identified here is an “Aunt Marcie,” who neither does nor says anything interesting the whole time.

In the midst of the assembled female guests is one pitiable man, named Al, who has been badgered into attendance by his wife, no doubt as the latest step in his ongoing course of humiliation. Although his wife is not named, in the Magic Bullet tradition of naming characters after famous couples (Ike & Tina, Fred & Wilma, Barney & Betty) we hereby dub Al’s wife “Peg” (though “Tipper” came in a very close second). His slumped shoulders and hangdog countenance indicate that Al—like Barney in the Magic Bullet To Go—lives a life dominated by his wife and has the broken spirit to prove it. After hearing about the Baby Bullet’s ability to make large quantities of baby food Al—always on the lookout for any rare glimpse of freedom—triumphantly lifts his hands in the air and proclaims, “Woooo! No more trips to the store.” At which point Peg firmly tugs on his leash by correcting, “Well…not for baby food anyway,” eliciting sardonic laughter from the ladies at his pathetic existence. When Peg says, “You know what? This is great. Al, you got to get me that,” Al obediently replies, “Sure. Whatever you say dear,” before immediately walking off to do her bidding. Poor Al has not much more time left until he becomes the perfect Stepford Husband.

(This assumes, of course, that his long-suppressed resentment doesn’t erupt into murderous rage first.)

“Oh my gosh! That has a face on it!”

As for the product itself, this infomercial insists that it is no mere baby food blender or baby food processor but “The Baby Bullet baby care system.” In order to tie the disparate pieces of this “system” together, several of them are branded with creepy looking faces that are meant to be adorable:

One Asian woman attending the baby shower seems genuinely disturbed at first sight of these ominously smiling food containers when she says, “Oh my gosh! That has a face on it!” Embarrassed by how freaked out she sounded saying that out loud, she lamely tries to cover-up by adding, “That is so cute.” Later when the “baby blend storage cups” are brought out, this same guest goes out of her way to compensate for her earlier fear by shamelessly gushing, “This has a little face on it too. That is so cute.”—although she is still probably afraid to get the Baby Bullet wet or feed it after midnight.

When not trying to convince everyone how cute their trademark grinning glyphs are, this infomercial never misses an opportunity to remind us that their product makes “organic” baby food. As the announcer tells us, “Unlike jarred baby food, the Baby Bullet only uses the freshest healthiest ingredients.” What? Won’t the Baby Bullet make food out of whatever anyone wants to put into it? If someone puts in a candy bar or an old vegetable will the blender spit it out and refuse to work until the user starts adding healthier items?

This infomercial also insists that aged baby food is a pervasive existential threat to the well being of infants everywhere. “When you feed your baby food from a jar, this food could be older than your baby,” Lindsay warns us, prompting an “Oh that is scary!” from one of her guests. The Baby Bullet’s “exclusive date dial feature” lets mothers know the made on date of their baby food, thus ending the specter of mistakenly feeding your baby from some stockpile of Gerber jars left over from WWII.

Like so many Tinas, most of the ladies here try way too hard to be impressed with absolutely everything about the Baby Bullet. Their acting is an appalling and cringe-inducing attempt to read cue-cards. Not that they have good lines to deliver in the first place. In one of the cheesiest and most embarrassing things ever spoken on an infomercial, we have to hear: “In our house sweet potato is our BFF: Baby’s Favorite Food.” Listening to that will likely cause viewers to puke up baby food!

As awful as that line is, it is not the most dreadful thing uttered here. That would have to be this statement from Lindsay, talking about the Baby Bullet To-Go-Bag: “So whether you’re going out for an afternoon or, let’s say, an overnighter at Grandma’s house it doubles as the best diaper bag you’ll ever use.” Anyone who would let a baby stay overnight at that inebriated, oversexed woman’s home should have Child Protective Services called on her immediately. You’d be better served dropping off your infant at the nearest crack house—just don’t forget to bring your Baby Bullet baby care system!

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A smiley-faced, pablum-filled thanks to Jennifer B. and Vinz for first letting me know about the Baby Bullet infomercial!